Inspired by the article I sent toffy: feelings and where to find them
When I feel down, I see if I’ve been sleeping well. In middle school, I discovered that for me, sleep quality is the biggest influence on my mood.
Post accutane, when I get a pimple, I see if I’ve been particularly stressed about things. This self-checking is learned over time, which I think is a great form of self care.
I think it’s perfectly natural - you try to claw back some rationality when you otherwise feel out of control. I’ve written about this countless times.
Sometimes feelings can be more transient than that, and I think I lose myself a lot of the time in trying to attribute emotions to something.
I wonder if I rob myself of some sort of (human) experience by interfering with the process of feeling
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i think I grew to like Vancouver as a city and I would say my first year was a net positive experience. ive been maintaining that the quieter, slower life is a good complement to Bangkok’s loud, fast city life.
so coming into summer, I had the mindset of “it’s not a zero sum game, I can love and maximize my time here and there”
Today is July 28. It’s 10 days before I leave again. It’s the first time I feel anything other than indifferent when answering “do you want to go back?”
I think the contributing factors are:
Lack of purpose: I’ve made it to my major, the remaining roadblock is a waitlist for some of my classes. I have confidence in my own learning skills.
- life up to this point has been extremely structured - elementary, middle, high, college… but after college you’re kind of on your own. I was serendipitously given an extension, because last year, I had to lock tf in to get into this major. I even had a number to target.
Surrounding myself with pessimism: some of my friends (fina) do not like Vancouver. They do not go outside, and they don’t put themselves out there, so it tracks that there is nothing for them there.
Uncertainty: will be forced to confront heartbreak sooner or later, and potential conflict
- love is the one area of feelings I don’t like to analyze, I find it impossible to be rational. I can only observe. and unfortunately i don’t see that it’s going to go well
- I have good friends and that means I trust and listen to their judgment of the people in my life. I might have been too hasty in choosing a roommate.
And perhaps the saddest A reminder of what I will miss The city My friends. I got extremely lucky to have found so many tier 1s. That is to say the average friendship I have here is pretty high quality. A large factor out of my control in doing that is time + familiarity